When I embarked on this journey into the so-called ‘Unknown’, I was overwhelmed with uncertainty and anxiety, I barely recognised the blessing I had on my hands.

Here I was – a grown adult – getting to ‘take time out’ at the height of my productive years. The me in me thought “How sway? You think you are special, huh? Your peers are zooming on ahead and yet, here you lag behind on some ‘spiritual journey’”.

Whatever people thought or said to me as I shared this decision – trust me, I have had the conversation with myself over and over again. I have seen disappointment from some, slight (and not-so-slight) judgement from others. I have felt the weight of “you just got to get on with the cards you’re dealt and make a living” from near and far.

The thing about embarking on a journey of self-discovery, it never is something you can truly justify or explain with conviction – especially when it is such a foreign concept to your hyper-productive self. And you have to be OK with that. Not having the answers. Not truly believing what you’re saying and doing – but convicted that this is the decision you’ve made and you’ll ride the wave until your higher self and God tell you otherwise.

I believe I have denied myself of the time to just rest and do nothing – probably because I have been so overwhelmed with my thoughts. But the one thing that set me straight was therapy.

It’s like my therapist opened a vault of my existence that I knew was there but always felt irrelevant. This journey – so I thought – is about finding my purpose, my path and finding my ‘thing’ so I can be a productive member of society.

Lol.

The journey thus far has shown and taught me that the seemingly irrelevant has a lot to do with the relevant. I was ‘chasing my dreams’ but not aware of why I felt the need to chase and why I had constantly been chasing them in the wrong direction.

I’ve also come to accept that the journey is messy. In the mental and emotional sense. Some days you feel good and it all makes sense. Other days, you feel a wreck and like the world is falling apart at the seams. But, you just got to ride all the waves.

In meditation, they talk about observing your thoughts and accepting what is. When the Buddha and all the enlightened folk talk about it, it seems ethereal and beautiful. Once you catch a glimpse of that higher, enlightened version of yourself, it can be. But getting there? Chile! It’s like wading through truckloads of mud with weighted legs. Seemingly impossible.

All in all – has this journey been worthwhile? Absolutely. Would I recommend it – hmmm. I’d say contemplate with caution and be sure it’s something you want to do.

I share a bit more about my journey thus far: